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Board Game Online Professional Gamers Public

Match Write-up

Die-No : Basically, our team has been waiting for this week since the map list was announced. I should start earlier. Last year, when the summer map list was announced, there was one map that drew confusion from us. "dom_canalzone"? I asked. What is that? It turns out that Rental, with his extensive competitive background, knew this map as well as the admins who chose to put it in the season. We scrimmed it once before the season started, and tin team loved it so much that we scrimmed it 4 more times. Unfortunately, scrims on canalzone stopped as we had to play less fun maps, such as barnblitz (screw you hagabao with your "ad olll ars ign" password), as well as croissant (one of my most haunted maps AND SMALLWAVES HAS BAD OPINIONS FOR LIKING IT). Then, the magical week happened. We played canalzone for 9 HOURS in scrims, and dominated in our match against a team that everybody predicted us to lose. The asylum probably went into an asylum over that canalzone match. Grievously, there was a lot of hate over the map. The biggest complaint, and in my opinion the only reasonable one, came from the fact that the different colours created a map that could not be balanced. This made it so the team that started would pick their colour, obtaining an advantage that could not be countered. A majority of the rest of the criticism mainly came from people who did not (or did once) scrim the map, complaining that it was too complicated. There were other, more minor criticisms that flew up, mainly about the textures of the map. Several ringers in our scrims also expressed their displeasure, and it seemed that only a few teams, such as Tin Team and Blunderful, were aware of the majesty of canalzone. Officially, Vilepickle is a complete boss. He heard this criticism, and was amazed that people were playing such an old map of his. HE DECIDED TO MAKE A MODERN CANALZONE, WHICH LATER BECAME KNOWN AS CANALZONE2, IN ORDER TO CREATE THE GREATEST COMPETITIVE MAP OF OUR TIME. He made a complete retexture of the map, replacing the gray walls with incredible bricks, and the dull water with really vibrant, well shaded water. Most impressively, the plastic sheet look the books in the library were replaced with what actually looked liked books. Oh, but vilepickle didn't just stop there. He simplified the map, removing 2 of the 8 points (red and blu warehouse) which took away from the action. He also fixed the imbalance issue, by making a score for each round that would then be combined. The work vilepickle did on this map turned it from the best map in tf2, to the best map in any videogame in the history/prehistory/futurehistory of the universe. The map is so good, that just by playing it, men and women will both swoon over your earth-shattering taste in maps. The quantum physics that make up the universe will change, ensuring that your wealth and fame extends to beyond the confines of the universe. Put simply, the map was good. Damn good. Even the most vocal of detractors who disliked the map had nothing but good things to say about the improvements (not that they agreed to the inevitable and pledged their lifelong allegiance to the map, they still disliked it, just considered it to be better). Unfortunately, the hatred for anything that isn’t the norm in competitive (whether justified or not) prevented the map from being run again. For a while, it seemed that evil would prevail, and that the justice of dom_canalzone would not be enough to stop the forces of darkness. Fall went by. Spring went by. There was still no word on canalzone. Was hope dead? Did the universe suddenly turn into anti-matter? Did this anti-matter change its stance on canalzone? Would anything be enough to bring back canalzone2? Gambling on the feelings long past, patience was the name of the game for canalzone supporters everywhere. It seemed fate had more surprises in store, and karma would reward those who were patient. Once the new summer season (season 10) was announced, discussion started revolving the map list. Would it be boring maps that everyone’s played to death, or would the admins follow their hearts like they did in season 3 and earlier. The admins decided on a compromise, bridging the gap between the volatile and disobedient factions of the United Gaming Clan forums. There would be three maps available in each week. The final week would feature canalzone2 as one of the options. People from all around the world cheered, and celebrations would be had for weeks. Powered by the map selection, Die-No was more and more excited for the coming season. However, he needed a team. He had been hanging out with a large amount of cool people in mumble, and had created a community out of them. This community was named “Board Game Online Professional Gamers Public Board Game Online Games”, due to their immense skill in the complex and mathematical game of Board Game Online. He approached the best members of the immensely vast community, and was able to get an incredible roster going. Small Waves was the all star scout, and he quickly proved himself to be an immense asset, despite his name. TMP was on soldier, and TMP needs no introduction. TMP and Small Waves quickly demonstrated their teamwork, and the Destructive Duo was born. I was on pyro, and my leadership, skills, and patience soon proved to be a great boon to our cause. The Terrifying Trio would not be stopped. On heavy, we had Pots n Pans. He was called that as his skill at Team Fortress 2 (and BGO) was so great, that just the mere willpower he released into the atmosphere would make you literally get hit by pots and pans. This was enough to make any player quake in their boots, but combined with the rest of the Forceful Four, no one could stop them. Then, there was clone. Clone seemed small on engineer, but looks can be deceiving. Clone would play with only a single finger, while using the rest of his body to build more computers during the match. He would then log into the server with the new computer, creating more “clones”. This would prove to be a great numerical advantage, as there would be thousands of minisentries that would create a Texas Gunslinger Massacre. Bluntly put, just these 5 monsters would be enough to make any team tremble in their boots. Wares have been won by nations with less military power than the aura that this Fabled Five brought to the table. But there was more. A medic by the name of Krissy had a dream. She dreamed she would be the best Board Game Onliner to ever play Medic. Her skill at medicine, combined with her natural intelligence and reflexes would ensure that the offensive plays made by the rest of the team would never fail. As long as she was around, the rest of the team would live. She risked life and limb in order to leave no teammate left behind. She was truly a god among medics. However, even the Sexy Six with all their firepower couldn’t stop the ungrateful campers. These hippies would hide behind a tent, far beyond the reaches of the Sexy Six. They couldn’t harm the ferocious warriors, but even stings could be annoying en masse. Thus, they reached out. Paul joined the team. He was protected by a forcefield of scrubbing bubbles, stopping the pokes of the campers from ever reaching his body. He would then return their affection, 50000 caliber style. His shots were so powerful that entire countries on the other side of the galaxy would explode upon impact. While he dealt with the farthest enemies of the universe, the rest of the ShitKicking Seven would deal with the enemies closer to home. Gregarious and powerful, these men (and woman) were too powerful for any person or organization to stop. However, they had a flaw. Their methods, while extremely forceful and badass, left massive groups maimed or killed. What would happen when they needed a single person killed among a group of millions? They reached out, and quickly found their answer. A spy by the name of Fraggin appeared from among the trillions of applicants. He was able to disguise as anything, from massive cosmic entities to the lowliest of atoms. Once the enemy was infiltrated, he would seek out the target, before neutralizing the stranger with the deadliest precision. No trace of the enemy would be left. Their entire body would be neutralized by the strike, with the atoms dissipating beneath the tremendous force. Thus, the Ebullient Eight was born. Of course, eight wasn’t enough. For this group to be anything more than merely the best, they needed a ninth. They needed a powerhouse capable of massive destruction. They needed an entity that could crush entire universes with a single attack. They needed Carl. Carl had previously retired, but after being urged to play by the group, he reconsidered. Carl, formerly known as Carl+, was an absolute beast. When angered, he would soar with the power of a thousand exploding suns, destroying everything in his path. Nothing could stop him. No force could make him give in. With Carl on their side, the Noble Nine was truly unbeatable. All that was left was a name. They needed a name that would capture the spirit and essence of Board Game Online Professional Gamers Public Board Game Online Games, and yet would separate the top players from the riff raff. After eons of pondering, Die-No came up with the ultimate team name. Board Game Online Professional Gamers Public Board Game Online Games on a Professional United Gaming Clan Summer Highlander Team of Board Game Online Games, or BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP. The team was born. Giants though they may be, nothing was more powerful than the might of their kindness. Before their first match, these cosmic titans realized that if they played at their full strength, the entire multiverse would be destroyed in collateral damage. In order to fix this problem, they decided to limit their abilities to the level of normal humans. They were still cocky, figuring that nothing could stop them. Their first match was against an old team by the name of BRB:U. The overconfidence of BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP allowed BRB:U to gain some early momentum, and once that began, it could not be stopped. BRB:U took the first game. This started the great losing streak of 2013, until it was time to play cp_steel. Pained by their losing streak, the gang decided to end it in the week of cp_steel. Steel was always one of the best maps for Tin Team, so Die-No was confident that a mixture of ballsiness, surprise and coordination would let them put pressure everywhere, creating weak spots. This belief seemed justified in scrims. There was countless eons spent theorycrafting, with every possible simulation mapped out. There was just no way that the BGO gang could lose. The admins could sense the deadliness in the air. They knew that anyone who faced us would not survive. Our mere willpower was powerful enough to make the deadliest of foes queasy. The admins, for the safety of their players, were forced to give us a bye week, creating our first massive win streak. But it would not be our last. Understand that the saga of BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP is not a straightforward one. There is a lot of pain and suffering, as well as celebration and festivities. After the week long celebration of their first win streak, the members decided to get ready for their next match. This one was a match TMP was waiting on for a long time. As the season started, in order to get the rough and destructive TMP to play kindly to other teams, Die-No promised him that he could insult the admins should they ever face the admin team. Much to their surprise, the admin team was scheduled to be their next opponents. It seems that they decided that the only titans worthy of facing our cosmic entities would be the rulemakers themselves. The team trained long and hard, ready for the most difficult match of their life. When the match began, it was instantly obvious that this team was like no other team they ever faced. The admins came out strong, using moves that could only be dreamed of. If I were to write about this match in great detail, the retelling would be so powerful as to permanently destroy the UGC servers, so I’ll keep this brief. The BGO gang took an early lead, but the admins ended up tying it up. In the last tiebreaker round, the powerful might and rock-hard determination of the admins gave them the victory, barely edging out the gang by mere nanoseconds. It was the greatest battle to be fought in UGC to this day, and the admins were able to put a stop to the first massive win streak of BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP. Gone was the ecstatic win streak of BGO. The UGC admins crushed their spirits, and all seemed lost. TMP and Pots took it the worst, and Die-No knew he had to do something before the team fell apart. Die-No decided the best way to get their spirits back is to return to their roots, and play the old game of Board Game Online. The game started off calm and relaxing, but by the end it turned into a brutal contest of skill and viciousness. The game became a battle of minds, with no one wanting to be the team that fell. Curses were shot, Russian roulette rounds were played, and pyramid runs were attempted. In the end, the victor was not important. BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP had their spirits back. Calm and collective was not the BGO way. This was now obvious to the team. In order for them to win their next match, on process, they had to give in to their animal instincts and sheer brutality. They had to embody the spirit of Board Game Online, and fight for what they truly believed in. They couldn’t just be players of the game. They needed to become the game. They looked to BGO for answers, and BGO responded into their hearts. They were ready to process their next win. However, the team of zany boys proved to be quite zany indeed. They had strats that BGO never even dreamed of. At one point, their ringer ended up on the BGO team to ask for relationship advice. They even used two soldiers at a midfight. These were the strats so zany that Die-No never even dreamed of them. However, the BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP players had some tricks of their own. BGO had taught them, and BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP had listened. Small Waves led the enemy players to the pyramid, where he outmaneuvered the traps, leaving the enemy to die. TMP, the master of Russian Roulette, was able to take down scores of the enemy with the simple challenge. Die-No would stack an Assassin’s sprint with the movement abilities given by cocaine, coffee and rocket boots, allowing him to speed to any part of the map in an instant. Carl would lob grenades from the back, and thanks to the grenadier book, he was able to reach much further than anyone could dream of. Pots, being the master of the improbability device, would use it to our advantage, occasionally wiping out every enemy member at once. Meanwhile, clone would catapult cows and flaming oil, bombarding the enemy from above. Krissy would use her necromancy powers to both sicken the enemy, and to summon a massive horde of the undead. Paul would hop in pirate ships and warp pipes, leading him behind enemy lines. Finally, there was Fraggin. Fraggin made sure to use his hypno glasses whenever the jukebox would come up, bombarding the enemy with music they considered awful while increasing the BGO morale. This led the team to start their second massive winstreak. Strangely enough, there was no celebration to be had. There was no need. The victor was determined ahead of time by the BGO gods. Nothing could stop the BGOPGPUGCSHTBGOP. Or so they thought. As the second winstreak continued, the players started to once again lose what BGO had taught them. They began to slowly get more and more overconfident. The BGO gods started to weep, as BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP seemed to have forsaken them. The climax occurred during the lakeside match. Not listening to the spirit of BGO, Die-No waited too long to request a different map. This resulted in plenty of infighting, as lakeside is an extremely hated map by many of the members (those with good taste). Instead of concentrating the aggression on the enemy team, BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP concentrated it on the map. While the map was awful, it was powerful. It refused to fall underneath the blows of the BGOers, and lemon pulp led his team to exploit this lack of concentration. It was once again time for the mighty BGO gang to fall, underneath the might of Lemon Pulp and the Handsome Ducklings. However, spirits were high after this loss. The next week would be the last in the season. Even better, the last week would be the map to end all maps, dom_canalzone2. In preparation for the event, Die-No asked the team how much they wanted to scrim. His response was “As much as you can schedule”. Die-No took this to heart, and approached Blunderful, asking them if they wanted a 12 hour scrim on a Saturday. They responded with yes. Die-No got many other scrims planned for the week, biggest of which was with the Cuties, another lover of the map. However, there was a problem. Blunderful would not be able to field 9 for the entire twelve hours, and they did not want to play canalzone2 for 12 hours either. So, Die-No did the next best thing, with advice from penguin ninja. The spirit of canalzone2 is that it is an incredibly fun map that does not care about the norm of most competitive tf2 maps. The BGOers did not need to play canalzone2 for 12 hours; they merely needed to play fun maps that are outside the normal competitive maplist. Canalzonecon’ 2013 was born. The event seemed to take forever to begin. Saturday could not come quickly enough. A few other scrims of canalzone2 helped to speed up the wait, and when the day was finally upon them, the universe rejoiced. News of the event had spread to the farthest galaxies, with countless species wishing to send their best warriors to participate in the games. The players were decided by a pickup game style. While canalzone2 was the highlight of the event, with the map being played on 4 separate occasions, a lot of other maps were played. There were a total of 4 servers that were used throughout the day. Some unexpected stars rose through the occasion and helped out, chief among them Melon Lord, who allowed us to play on the QT server, as they had the most custom maps. Badwater_Rainy, with the army of pyrosharks on both sides was so mighty, that the very atoms of the universe were shaking. Countless natural disasters had been created as a result of the battle, but in the end, monkey66 proved to have made a better team than Die-No. Melon also led the BGOers into a beautiful melody as they played Blunderful on Doublecross, earning us several platinum albums. After learning why minisentries should be feared on trainsawlaser, the event finished on arena_biebertower, where the participants were awestruck to learn that there was another singer in the world who had a voice as beautiful as Die-No’s melodious vocalization. BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP had succeeded in showcasing canalzone2 to the masses. It was a huge hit, and canalzonecon’ 2013 would live on to spawn thousands of future events. The only thing left was to win the match. However, to do that the team needed more practice. Die-No was able to schedule scrims with another team of titans, the Cuties. The details of the scrim are classified, but it is safe to say that the battle was bloody and vicious. Both teams walked out of these scrims completely changed to the core. However, would it be enough? Words of the Colgate sponsored UGC team had reached the smallest confines of the universe. If the BGOers were capable of feeling fear, then it would’ve been so great as to be fatal to a large majority of citizens everywhere. Could the might of Board Game Online be enough to crush the greatest team of Toothbrush Warriors? Game start. Those simple words can carry so much meaning. This was most obvious in the canalzone2 match between BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP and Colgate and the Toothbrushes. The game started, and the war began. It was instantly obvious that both teams really desired the library. Pots, Krissy and Carl slammed the library hard from the start, attempting an early occupation. However, the power of Brushie was so great that not even the elevator was on the side of the BGOers. Forced to delay the push in order to tame the elevator cost the BGOers the precious time they needed, and Colgate annihilated the combo. However, Small Waves was able to start holding the boathouse immediately, giving BGO the points they needed at the start. Die-No was also able to overcome the combined work of the Brushie scout and sniper, taking the small warehouse in the name of Board Game Online. As time moved on, Die-No made sure to not give up that warehouse. He fought long and hard, before the combined effort of a third of the enemy team overcame his efforts. The combos kept trading library, with nobody able to get a good defense up before the enemy offense hit like a supernova hitting an exposed galaxy. Things looked bad for BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP, and they needed to regroup. Using a combined assault, they were able to efficiently take the remaining points, and held them just long enough to last 20 seconds. If the time had gone on for much longer, the Brushie counterattack would have swept them away. With the sides switched, and the first half of the first half given to BGO, Brushie was furious. They redoubled their efforts, and crushed the mighty BGOers. They held on to as many points as they can, even denying boathouse to Small Waves’s greatest efforts. However, BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP was able to squeeze a survival. Brushie won that half of the first half, but when the scores were combined, BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP was able to squeeze a victory. The first half went to BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP. Of course, there was still another half. Brushie still had time to make a comeback.They redoubled their already redoubled efforts, determined to take the win. However, not only did BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP have the gods of Board Game Online on their side, but they also had the spirit of canalzonecon’ 2013 fueling them. They would not lose, no matter the consequence. They were aggressive and smart, and they knew what they had to do to win. Die-No was getting shut down by the enemy team, but he was happy about the distractions he was making for the rest. Brushie was attacking en masse, crushing everything in their path. However, there was a BGOer in every inch of the map that was not occupied the horde of toothbrushes. They were too spread out, as BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP refused to lose. The match went on for what seemed like eons, neither side refusing to fall. However, by the end of this match, there was only one team left standing. The scoreboard announced the winner. BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP. Powerful and mighty, Board Game Online Professional Gamers Public Board Game Online Games in a United Gaming Clan Summer Highlander Team of Board Game Online Players ended the season on a high note. Their season successful, with 3 massive winstreaks, they were content with their victories and losses. Die-No was so happy with the end of the season, that he decided to do the biggest writeup in UGC history, stunning everyone with his plan to make a writeup where the first letter of every paragraph was a letter in the tag. BGOPGPBGOGPUGCSHTBGOP would not have made it this far without all the scrim partners, backups and ringers they had throughout the season. Thanks to all them, they were able to go 3-5. The final word count is slightly under 4100 words for this writeup.